I used to believe that I couldn’t trust other people. I was a victim. After some introspection I came to realize that I don’t need to trust others.
The problem never had anything to do with untrustworthy people. Like everything else I’ve taken the time to reflect on in my life, this too was an inside job. If I can’t trust myself to make good decisions about the people that I choose to spend time with, of course I’m going to have a hard time trusting them. It only looks like they are the ones who are untrustworthy, but in reality there has always been a voice within me that warned me about them from the moment I meet them.
The same has always been true about situations and circumstances in my life as well. The voice in my head nagging me, “Do NOT take that job”. Another, obviously less wise, part of me argues, “But it pays really well and it’s right down the street”. I find out later that the first voice was right. There’s never been an exception. I have never heard that wise voice within, ignored it, and had it turn out well.
The reason I sometimes don’t trust myself is not because I don’t know what’s best for me, but because I don’t act on what I know is best for me. Why don’t I act on what I know within to be best for myself? Well, first of all, after learning through failure an intolerable number of times, I actually almost always do listen to that voice now. However in the times I didn’t it was usually some form of, “What would others think/feel?”
To which I now respond, “Who gives a fuck?”
I don’t want to hurt anyone, and my goals and intentions are always for everyone’s highest good. I’m a lover in every sense of the word. However, if I’m worried about pulling the trigger on something that feels right, and I’m worried that my dad might think it’s unrealistic, that’s not a consideration anymore.
It took such a long time and a lot of self work to even notice when I was making choices based on what I thought others would think. Then, after I became aware that was what was going on, it took some more work to let go of wanting to please and/or impress them. It took a lot more work. A LOT more. I’m forty now and this whole thing about making autonomous decisions didn’t start happening until about two years ago. And I’ve been into self help since I was 14. Go figure.
ANYWAY… I do several things to ensure that I’m trusting and empowering myself in my day to day decision making. I’m sharing this with you because it might help you.
I don’t ask for opinions. EVER. About 3-4 years ago, I had a conversation with my oldest son and he told me that he felt like he couldn’t make a decision without asking someone what he should do and he hated that. I immediately recognized this tendency in myself. Awareness is such a miracle.
Once I noticed this bad habit (and I truly believe that it’s just a habit) of asking people what they think, and much worse, what they think I should do, I simply stopped myself every single time I noticed that I was about to ask someone’s opinion. Oy… it took a long, LONG while to completely break this habit. But it was so worth it. Sometimes I ask an expert what they think. I ask my hairdresser what she thinks I should do to manage frizz. AND…
I ask the ultimate expert if I have trouble making a decision. I say to myself, or out loud if I’m alone, “What is the best choice for the highest good?” I don’t really know who I’m asking exactly, but I know it’s a power much greater than my ego. I always get the best answer.
Then, I am sure to follow through on whatever the answer to that question was. I act on it. This is the ultimate demonstration of faith.
This is how I learned to trust myself.
See you tomorrow my lovely friends!
Rhi Wilde 